


Reasons to Follow The Guidelines

by Kanako_Hime, LadyOfSlytherin101



Series: The Guideline Crack Series [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Harry Potter fandom - Fandom, Naruto
Genre: Akatsuki HQ, Gen, Hilarity, Madness, Makeup, Randomness, multifandom - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-29
Updated: 2016-05-20
Packaged: 2018-05-29 20:03:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6391378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kanako_Hime/pseuds/Kanako_Hime, https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyOfSlytherin101/pseuds/LadyOfSlytherin101
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There are reasons why some of the rules in the guidelines are there.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter I - Harry Potter

**Chapter I - When he shows, nick his nose**

Rule #5 - Telling Voldemort you've got his nose isn't recommended.

Ariana Oswald was freaking out. She was just doing the good thing by helping her buddy Harry out at the Ministry of Magic when _freaking Voldemort_ showed up. Leave out the fact that Harry just Unforgivably Cursed Bellatrix Lestrange (bitch deserved it anyway) or that Neville got attacked by a weird brain...squid...thing. The Dark Lord, He Who Must Not Be Named was _fifteen feet away and he was going to kill her speccy best friend!_

So, being the awesome friend that she was, Ariana took a step forward, tossed her hair back and shouted, " **OI! VOLDIE!** "

The Dark Lord paused and ( _ohgodohgodohgod_ ) turned to look right at her. Swallowing her fear, she held her clenched fist before her like a talisman.

"Got your nose!" she screeched. She could hear Hermione slapping her forehead in exasperation as Voldemort glared at her murderously.

Good thing Dumbledore showed up when he did. Voldemort couldn't take a joke.


	2. Chapter II - Harry Potter

**Breaking in the Padawans**

Rule #24 The 'Accio' charm is just a charm. It is not to be referred to as the Force.

 

Ariana glanced around the classroom, her lips set in a firm line.

“Hey there little Padawans,” she greeted the first years. “I’m your new Jedi Master.”

“Wait, what?”

“I thought we were here to practise spells!”

“She’s lying-”

“Excuse me!” Ariana snapped, glaring daggers at the little brat who’d called her a liar. “When I’m talking, I expect you lot to be  _ listening _ . If you don’t want to learn, then clear off. McGonagall expects the people I’ve dragged in here to learn something. If not, then bugger off. You’re wasting my time.”

She waited for a minute. No-one left the room.

“Good. Now. First thing’s first.” She held up her pointer finger. “Most witches and wizards are actually Force-sensitive.”

“Er, what?”

Ariana rolled her eyes in exasperation.

“Oh my god, have you guys done  _ any _ research into the Star Wars fandom? Into Jedi and Sith lore and their powers?” Silence met her words. “Dear god, I have a  _ lot _ of work to do. Okay. To sum it up, there’s a million billion things running around in your body right now, and they’re called-”

“Cells,” a scrawny firstie piped up. Ariana raised a brow.

“You’ve got balls to interrupt me, and I give you a passing mark for the smart-ass answer, but no. Well, you do, but the answer I  _ was _ looking for was midi-chlorians.”

“The what now?” a tiny girl muttered. Ariana rolled her eyes.

“They let you use the Force. Watch.” She stuck out her hand and clicked her fingers at Trevor the toad, who sat atop the teacher’s desk at the top of the room. With a croak, he zoomed into her outstretched palm, tongue flicking out as the first-years gasped and whispered amongst themselves excitedly.

“Still think I’m a liar?” she asked lazily as they clambered about her, begging her to teach them the Force so they could become Jedi Masters too.

_ Looks like spending the summer with Hermione paid off after all, _ she thought smugly, shoving her wand further up her sleeve.  _ Nothing to impress firsties like a good old silent spell. _


	3. Chapter III - Naruto

**Chapter III - I feel pretty~**

Rule #1 - Hide your eye make-up from Gaara/Deidara/Itachi/Orochimaru

"Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaara-kuuuuuuuuun!" Ariana sang playfully as she danced into the Kazekage's office. Though he would never admit it, Gaara flinched. "I have a present for you!" she continued eagerly as she jumped onto his desk. "Itachi isn't going to need those dango vouchers after all, so I thought that you'd like them!"

"Why?" the red-head asked cautiously. This time, Ariana flinched.

"He went back on a promise,*" she said icily, a smile still fixed on her face. "So I'm punishing him." She grinned at him warmly. "So, d'you want some dango or not?"

Gaara sighed, rubbing his eyes tiredly and managing a small smile. "I am a little hungry. Thank you."

"Hang on-" Ariana leaned in, her eyes fixed on his face. "Are you wearing  _eyeliner_?"

"What?" he asked nervously, glancing down at his hand and groaning when he saw the dark smears.

"You're wearing eyeliner!" she repeated, a devious smile on her face as he slowly pushed his chair back and stood. "Oh Gaara, there's no need to be embarrassed! A ton of boys at home would wear eyeliner too! There's a ton of different cliques - Goth, Emo, Cross-Dressing - but it's all perfectly natural-"

She was babbling now, but Gaara didn't mind. She hadn't caught on. He smiled weakly, though it dropped right off his face when she froze.

"Hold on a minute. Are you wearing  _my eyeliner_?" she said incredulously. He backed away, heading for the window. "Gaara! You little shit! I blew up Hidan for God's sake! Give it back to me, now! **GAARA! YOU MIGHT BE THE KAZEKAGE BUT I'M YOUR MOMMA AND MOMMA SAYS TO STAY STILL SO I CAN BEAT THE SNOT OUT OF YOU FOR STEALING MY MAKEUP! GAARA! GET BACK HERE YOU SANDY FUCKER AND LET ME MAIM YOU!** "

* * *

 "I fucking hate that child," Ariana pouted at Konan the next week. "He must've stolen my eyeliner again. That little shit."

"Maybe if you didn't leave your things lying about, this wouldn't happen," the blue-haired kunoichi pointed out reasonably, taking a sip of her tea.

"But it's _makeup_ ," the blonde whined. "I didn't expect a boy to use it! Hidan steals it all the time, but he usually rubs it in my face after an hour or so."

"It's not Hidan, then?"

"No," Ariana moped, flopping pathetically onto the table. "Kakuzu searched him. I don't know who else would take it aside from Gaara and Hidan."

A few minutes passed in silence. Konan sipped her tea calmly, her eyes watching Ariana over the rim of her cup. Eventually, Ariana sat up and pushed her chair back.

"I need an aspirin," she muttered. "Be right back." She shuffled her way to the nearest bathroom, picking at the fraying hem of her jumper as she pushed open the door. She froze. Standing in front of the sink was Deidara, in the ages-old pose that women (and men, on occasion) would adopt to apply eyeliner. Normally, she'd laugh and get on with her life. However, this  _particular_ stick of eyeliner had her initials carved into it (courtesy of Itachi).

"Deidara," she snarled. The explosive-nin froze and peeked over his shoulder, trying for a smile.

"It's not what it looks like, un," he began. Ariana lunged for him.

In the kitchen, Konan glanced up from her newspaper as a roar echoed through the base.

" **YOU LITTLE SHIT, YOU MADE ME THINK BADLY OF MY EMO-PANDA-RACCOON-BABY! GIVE ME BACK MY FUCKING EYELINER YOU FLOPPY-WANDED-DEMENTOR-BOGGERER!** "

The kunouchi smiled.  _Knew she'd figure it out._

* * *

"Ari-chan!" Naruto called, jogging over to her as she stood outside the Hokage building. "What're you doing here?"

"Waiting for Orochimaru," she replied, accepting the crushing hug, "He had a reaction to something and Tsunade's the only one who'll deal with him, so..."

"Ah, I get it! Ne, ne, d'you want to come for ramen later? I'll buy! It'll be like a date!" the teen said excitedly, and Ariana laughed, playing with the end of her ponytail.

"Make it _two_ bowls and you've got a deal," she grinned, turning when Tsunade yelled out her window to her. "I'm coming - ooof!" Naruto hoisted her up in his arms and ran up the side of the building easily, slipping her through the window as he crouched on the ledge with a goofy grin. "A little warning next time," she grinned, pinching his cheek before turning to the Hokage and a.....sunglasses-wearing Orochimaru? She was going to have nightmares of this.

"Er....Tsunade-sama?" she asked feebly as Naruto roared with laughter. The Hokage coughed, not quite concealing her chuckle.

"Yes, Orochimaru has had a rather nasty reaction, as you are aware. The allergen entered his system through the skin around his eyes, making them quite sensitive to light, hence the eyewear," she said briskly, leaning against her desk and tossing a bottle of pills at Ariana. "He's to take these twice a day for the next week, with food preferably. It should clear up."

"What was the allergen?" Ariana asked curiously. Tsunade plucked a small, round container from her desk and grinned. 

"Eyeshadow," she said simply, cocking a brow at the container. "It isn't, however, a brand that's sold in Konoha, so I'd have to assume he bought if from a merchant, using the initials M-A-C. He hasn't actually said anything yet, have you snake-boy?" she shot at him snidely, grinning.

"Tsunade-sama?" Ariana asked quietly. "May I ask a favour of you?"

"Eh?" the Sannin asked confusedly, looking bemused as Ariana stepped forward to whisper in her ear. Her expression darkened, and her aura became murderous. "No problem," she said grimly, rolling up her sleeves as she stepped towards the sweating man. 

" **STEALING MAKEUP AGAIN, EH OROCHIMARU? DIDN'T LEARN YOUR LESSON THE LAST TIME, I SEE!** "

Orochimaru ended up in hospital later that evening. Ariana didn't really care. No-one messed with her MAC products.

* * *

 

"Itachi?" Ariana called, wrapping her towel about her a little more securely as she cracked the bathroom door open. "Shower's all yours!"

"Thank you," he whispered in her ear, making her squeal and punch him. Well. She tried. He wasn't a missing-nin for nothing. "Ariana, calm yourself," he said coolly as he held her trapped fist in one hand. She pouted at him.

"Can't you even let me land a hit once?" she complained, pulling her hand back and heading into the bedroom. "Stupid ninja."

Her pout slipped from her face and was replaced with a smile as she saw her outfit for the evening was that divine dress she'd seen the other day but couldn't buy. Rosalie must've told him she'd wanted it. Or, she allowed as she touched the red velvet reverently, he'd just known she'd wanted it. Just like he knew when she was homesick and needed cuddles. She had the _best_ boyfriend.

_He is so getting sex later_ , she mused happily, rubbing some moisturiser on her face.  _Happy birthday to me...._

Dressed and with her hair carefully styled, Ariana reached for her makeup bag only to find it wasn't on her dressing table. She must've left it in the bathroom. Sighing and padding over to the door, she just walked in, an apology dying on her lips as she caught sight of her boyfriend with long, black streaks down his cheeks.

"Itachi, did you wear my mascara?  _Again_?" she groaned, pressing a hand to her forehead. He had the grace to look sheepish.

"Sorry?" he offered, flinching when she shot him the nastiest of her glares, before grinning. And not in a way that made him feel any better.

"Itachi, you didn't take your medicine today, did you?" she asked sweetly. Itachi stared at her, confused. 

"Yes, I di-"

"Oh dear, you've forgotten again," she said loudly, picking up her make-up bag and heading for the door, "Which means that your eyes aren't going to be up to standard tonight. And I'm afraid that means only one thing in this base."

Itachi's eyes widened. "Ariana, please," he begged. (No, he wasn't above begging when the situation was dire.) "Don't do this."

She paused and turned in the doorway, smiling at him seductively and evilly at the same time.  _How did she do it_? a small part of Itachi's brain wondered.

"No dango," she said slowly, relishing the words. "No sex. For. A. Week." She smirked at him as he crumpled. "I'll be waiting outside, dear."

 

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys! This is a small fic set up as a sub-fic from our newest series Guidelines! This is basically all oneshots based on the favourite rules from those fics, so yeah!  
> Hope you enjoyed! There's no set length for the chapter and updates may not be regular, but if you have any questions to ask about the two characters or if you'd like to see a particular rule, please leave a lovely little review for us!  
> Thanks!


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